Ripped and corrected by Bornholm
Mr. Alec? Ah, ah, ah, ah!
Robert, you know how much I like to dunk.
Shall I leave the dessert tray?
- Look at me, Robert. - Yes, you shall leave the dessert tray.
And please get me another bowl of sugar.
Yes, sir.
And some margarine! Margarine, not butter.
Mmm.! Mmm.! Mmm.!
Hi, Porky Pig!
You just wanna get off of my sweets?
Iīm here.
Arenīt you going to Florida this winter?
Thatīs bathing suit time. You can ask just so much of rayon.
Youīre a porker. Larry, admit it. You sit down in shifts.
Look whoīs talking, Mr. Oink-oink.
Oh, I like resistance.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Look. Thereīs a guy cheating on his wife over there.
Thatīs-
Who did that? Who bit that?
Larry, open up.
Oh!
- How do you feel, Larry? - Guilty.
I canīt hear you, Larry. A little louder.
Guilty, Your Honor.
My work is done here.
Your dress is too short. If it was any shorter, you could be arrested.
In fact, you should be arrested. Officer, follow those buns!
Itīs me.
Of all the bars in the neighborhood, why does Guilt come into mine?
Give me a martini. No! Use the stuff that you hide in the back for yourself.
You devil.
Itīs Guilt.
Oh, no. Itīs Guilt again.
Ooh! Ahhh!
Thatīs perfect.
Give me three more just like this.
Keep them coming.
You promised to call me, but you never did.
Yeah, so I didnīt call. Whatīs the problem?
Thereīs something wrong with you.
I donīt know. Itīs like-
Itīs like you donīt have any conscience or anything.
Well, itīs like you have no patience or something.
All you have to do is wait a week and then call me.
Iīll call you.
Oh, this is good.
Innkeeper, please freshen up the drinks...
for my "beautatious" friends.
- Donīt you think you had enough? - What?
We have a policy at this bar where we donīt serve the inebriated.
Excuse me, ladies, Iīm going to the loo.
Oh, for a minute there, I thought you were sitting upside down.
Ooh.
Oh, no.
- Yo. - Two teenagers kissing way too much.
- Oh, not teenagers again! - 128 Sycamore.
Oh, Chief, 128 Sycamore. Over and up.
- I thought I heard something.
Yes, I heard it too.
Weīve still got that old chemistry.
Sure have it tonight.
Really. I think I heard something.
I swear. It sounds like my father.
Iīm telling you, total silence sounds like a fatherīs foot.
Donīt you teenagers know that this is not allowed?
Oh, my God. I havenīt seen you in years.
And it looks like I got here just in the nick of time.
You kids should be ashamed of yourselves.
Look, I can understand your showing up in the back of the Pinto.
- But weīre married now. - Yes.
Donīt make me laugh!
Sit up, and sit up right now!
And I want those arms and those eyes forward!
I want you to see an army training film. Hold this.
Oh, thatīs just an island.
Look again.
- Thatīs a rash. - Bingo.
Excuse me.
- Yo. - Boss wants to see you.
Iīm busy. Iīm working.
- Now! - You got it.
Listen, kids. Keep it clean!
Yoo-hoo!
Ah, hello! Come! Come in!
Ooh. Uh-
Come. Come in.
- Sit down. Have a nice trip? - Oh, beautiful.
Hey, Guilt, itīs good to see you, kid.
- Youīre one of my favorite emotions. - Itīs nice to see you too, big guy.
- Sit! - You got it. Okay, big guy.
Let me tell you youīre doing a good job. A fine job.
- On the Whole, you made the World a guilty place to live. - My pleasure.
Smokey the Bear commercials are still running.
Lean Cuisine sales are way up. I really have to commend you.
Well, we do what we can.
Let me ask you something. Any progress with Nixon?
Heīs a tough nut to crack. He will not fold.
I tell you, even his memoirs- amazing.
- Let me just get your opinion on something. - Yes, sir.
What happened over on Sycamore?
Oh, routine. Kissing teenagers. I handled it. Why?
- Have you been drinking? - No, sir.
I-
Uh, yes, sir, I have. All right, I have been drinking.
But I also have to tell you that Iīve been working very hard.
- Why? Did I get the wrong house? - Right house.
- Well? - Wrong room.
Oh, hell.
The couple that you interrupted Were happily married for 25 years.
To each other. You know, I showed them the army training film.
Yes, I saw that too. Disgusting.
They probably wonīt get back together again for another eight months.
Iīll have to send Romance, Passion and probably even Lust. And you know how busy she is.
Yeah. She works weekends. Oh.
They can fool around all they want. Will you check your manual?
You know, he did look prematurely bald to me.
- I mean, I think thatīs pretty funny, donīt you? - No!
Iīm over here, big guy.
You were one of the best guilts we ever had.
- Thanks. - But youīve been messing up a lot lately.
A little drinking. I didnīt harm anyone.
I see everything from up here. And he can see better than I can.
Now, happy hour is taking its toll.
- Do I make myself clear? - Perfectly.
- I want you to take a vacation. - A vacation? Oh, no!
Please! No! Listen!
Iīm just starting to get through to Joan Crawfordīs daughter.
Iīm not making a suggestion. Iīm giving you an order.
Oh, big guy, please.
I want you to go and have fun. Big guy-
- Shut up! - Okay, I will... have fun.
Put me down for a vacation. I donīt care. Um-
No hot sand. No hot sand.
- It gives me blisters. - Blisters.
And no snow. It affects my sinuses. No-
No mosquitoes and no boats.
No.
Ooh.
All right. Okay.
Iīm married, and my wife thinks Iīm on a business trip.
And Iīm glad I said it.
Iīm not sure why.
- Hi. - Bonjour, monsieur.
Table for two?
Cute.
just show me to the piano bar.
Sīil vous plaït, monsieur.
May I remind you that youīre not French.
Thatīs how I got the job. I had to tell īem I was born in Paris.
- Who am I hurting? - No one, if you can live with a lie like that.
I, personally, would have cut my wrists.
- Hi, everybody! Iīm Harvey Pinkerton. - Oh, Weīre the Beckermans.
Sam just retired, and this is the first time we can just take off since his bypass.
Well, as long as you watch your cholesterol, Sam.
Oh, isnīt he the cutest thing?
Look how heīs just met us and already heīs worried about our levels.
Oh, and Iīm Judy and this here is Bob. We canīt believe how pretty this ship is.
- Yeah. Letīs enjoy it till the bills come. - Money has been a little tight.
Yeah. Thatīs because youīre sailing on your kidīs education.
I think I need fresh air.
Thereīs a jerk like that on every voyage.
Hi.
- You are so lovely. - Yes.
Yes.
And you can take a compliment too. I like that in a goddess.
No. Lovely is my name.
Your name? Gee.
So your mom really took a risk.
I mean, you are lovely. I mean, really beautiful.
But you couldīve had a mustache and looked like Boris Karloff.
Iīve always been attracted to Boris in a spooky sort of way.
- Would it bother you if I had a mustache? - No. Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?
- Yes. - Oh, swell!
And then when I left Harvard,
oh, with my Phi Beta Kappa key shining into the sun-
Will there be anything else for you this evening? Will you take a cab?
Thank you.
My key was glistening in the afternoon sun...
- with all those coeds weeping, "Donīt go." - Oh!
- Why donīt we go up on deck? - Oh, no. You havenīt finished your mousse.
Iīm not hungry. I mean, thatīs a lot of perfectly good food.
Itīs just going to waste. You could feed a family of six.
Youīre trying to make me feel guilty.
- Well,just- - But itīs not gonna work.
I came on this cruise to have a good time, and youīre not gonna stop me.
- Sir- - Blow.
Listen, you are so beautiful...
when youīre embarrassing me in front of a roomful of people.
Oh, no, no, no. Iīm not beautiful.
just very, very pretty.
I gotta tell ya,
youīre the only person Iīve ever met who just sweeps me off my feet.
This is a date, right? Weīre having a date even though weīre on a boat, right?
You can be on water and still date.
Wow.
Donīt you worry about your breath?
No, not at all. Iīve always had good hygiene.
Would you like to see my room?
What if I donīt respect you afterwards?
The important thing is I respect myself,
and I will if Iīm very, very good.
It was great for me. I heard violins.
I saw fireworks. Well?
Ah.
Well, uh, uh, yes. Um-
Guilt is away on a vacation. Heīs been messing up a lot lately.
Oh, really?
Well, uh, let me watch it and then Iīll call you right back.
So it seems Weīll have Wet Weather the next several days.
And now we have two stories that seem to be related in a very strange sort of way.
Letīs go to St.Josephīs Church and Susan Kleig.
Thatīs right, Jenny. Weīre here at St.Josephīs Church in the hills, and weīre going to-
- Oh, Father McClintey, just what has been happening? - We donīt exactly know, Susan.
What we do know is that several days ago people stopped coming to confession.
- Stopped? - Uh-huh. They just stopped.
Oh. And I understand you are doing something about it.
Oh, yes, Susan. We have decided to advertise in the newspaper, on radio, on television.
- I see. - So come on down!
Three priests, no waiting. You know what I mean?
jenny? Jenny?
Hello. Itīs me again.
Uh, yes, yes.
Guilt is on a little vacation, but heīll be back the day after tomorrow.
Yes, yes, I can get worry and Fear to work overtime and-
Hello? Hello?
Whatīs wrong?
Could we go up on deck and- and talk?
- Oh, sure. - I have a few things I want to tell you.
There are a few things I want to tell you too.
I feel so badly about something.
Oh. I did that to you. Iīm sorry.
No, no. Let me finish.
I havenīt been totally honest with you.
Iīm not who you think I am. Iīm not even a person.
Oh, that doesnīt matter.
Listen, some of my best friends are not persons.
Thatīs not important. Whatīs important is...
that I love you.
Oh, see? Thatīs just the problem.
I donīt know if youīre in love with love or me.
I donīt know whether youīre in love with what I am, which is Love,
or the idea of being in love, which is what I do, you know?
Not yet.
Iīm Love.
Youīre Love. Youīre Love?
I know it sounds crazy, but I run around and make people fall in love.
Thatīs why I spend a lot of time on ships.
I just canīt believe that. I mean, oh, I knew you were different.
But, I mean, Love?
Look, Iīll prove it to you.
just pick any two people,
and Iīll make them fall for each other right before your very eyes.
Yeah, now-Anybody?
Yeah. Anybody.
Make it hard. just pick any two people you want.
- Any two people. - Mm-hmm.
just-
No. Okay. That lady right over there.
- And? - And? Oh, yeah,just-
Okay. That guy. The schlep.
No problem.
Hey! All right! You do good work.
Youīre not angry that I lied to you?
No, īcause I lied to you too.
- You mean you canīt make love all night long? - Yes- No.
That was a little white lie.
I mean, Iīm not really a brain surgeon like I told you. Iīm Guilt.
Guilt? You mean like you make little kids feel badly about hiding their report card guilt?
Yeah, that Guilt.
- No! - Yeah.
Iīll prove it to you.
Go ahead, go ahead. Go ahead. Pick anybody.
- Really? - Yes.
Okay. That happy little guy over there.
Okay.
johnny, I know what you did to your partner, Murray.
I donīt know how you live with yourself.
If he knows, everyone knows.
Murray, I couldnīt help myself!.
My handwriting is sloppy!
I couldnīt help making a one into a seven on my side!
I should never have fallen for a younger woman who wanted things!
So youīre Guilt.
- Yeah. - Thatīs terrible.
Wait a minute. Thatīs very judgmental.
I didnīt do that to you when I found out you were Love.
Yeah, but Iīm something nice.
Well, all the nice emotions were gone.
Guiltīs a dirty job, but somebodyīs gotta do it.
I applied for lust. It was taken.
Hey, Iīve been around a long time.
- Iīm sorry. - Yeah, me too.
See, I always get so critical when I get too close.
Iīm great at love, but Iīm lousy at commitment.
Commitmentīs nice. Youīd like her.
Sheīs got heavy legs, but sheīs a lot of laughs.
I met her at a wedding.
- Guilt? - Yeah.
Maybe we should just think of this as one perfect week...
where we found each other and loved each other...
and then let each other go before anyone had to seek professional help.
- I never felt like this before. - You donīt mean just end it?
I mean end it.
Oh!
- You want to hear something funny? - Sure.
I really love you.
And I love you too.
Hey, donīt ever leave me.
Why would I ever want to do that?
Whatīs love without guilt?
Yeah.
Hey, I gotta tell you something. I work during meals.
I work on Valentineīs Day.
Lovely, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Ripped and corrected by Bornholm